Protection or Prison?

When big feelings roll in like an unexpected storm, many of us panic and say to ourselves, “I’ve got to get out of here!”. For many of my clients this emotional exit strategy developed in their younger years. Maybe when they were sad as a child they were told to stop making such a big deal of things, and to just get on with life. Or, perhaps they experienced a trauma that totally overwhelmed their psychological and emotional systems, so they had to ‘check out’ emotionally just to survive. 

As an adult, common forms of emotional avoidance include: 

Staying busy - never wanting to rest or be in stillness/quietness… because that’s when emotion can come creeping up on you.

Rationalizing/intellectualizing - jumping up into your head to avoid emotional pain. Thinking about your problems is very different than feeling your way through them.

Numbing - Eating, shopping, scrolling,  exercising, cleaning etc. to avoid your pain. 

Appeasing others - focusing on others needs/pain so you are too distracted to feel your own. 

At their core all these emotional protection strategies are trying to play a benevolent role in your intrapsychic world. At one point in your life these avoidance strategies helped you survive a reality that was overwhelming and emotionally unsafe for you. However, once we are safe, these symptoms are leftovers from the past. We find ourselves shut down emotionally, shut in our own world, and shutting others out.

So, how can you break free from the prison of emotional avoidance? 

Safe connection. Safety heals. Take a small emotional risk to call up a friend or family member when you’re feeling stressed, upset, or triggered. Let them in, rather than vacuuming the house to distract yourself. Talking a baby step into being with your emotions, rather than running from them, is a victory. Finding a therapist you feel safe with is another great option. Therapists are trained in supporting you to sit and stay with your feelings.